11/22/95 a day that changed my life forever when 7 people died including my brother.
Yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, I was not laying in my pjs in my bed with the blinds closed in complete darkness trying to shut the world out, dealing with the pain and trying to survive the day minute by minute.
I’ve seen a quote that says “When you can tell your story without crying, you know you have healed.”
Yesterday, I woke up not with the usual dread but with a goal to take care of myself. I took a cold brisk walk along the water while I sipped hot chocolate, I watched an episode of a tv show that made me laugh, I exchanged funny text messages with my younger brother, I talked with 2 of my friends who unfortunately understand the loss of a brother, I went to the spa and had the best massage and zen’d out in the darkness and sat in the sauna. I ended the night having dinner with my husband.
No tears were shed. Does this mean I have healed? Not sure as this day usually falls on or close to Thanksgiving so I have always dreaded Thanksgiving and with it being later this year, that association was gone and I could just focus on my well being.
Am I healed? I don’t know if I am healed from the loss of a loved one but as I was thinking about what was different this year, I realized I have shared my story this year in my workshops, with my clients, with friends, at speaking engagements, etc. The loss of my brother is not my whole story but a part of my story of surviving abuse throughout my lifetime.
I was angry with my brother for leaving our home when I was 8 to now deal with the abuse by myself. I was angry with him for dying as now I had to live and fight my way out of the abuse not only as a child but as an adult too. I was angry with my brother for abandoning me.
This year as I began sharing my story, the healing began and I didn’t know the impact until yesterday. There was a sense of calm as I navigated yesterday. There was a sense of forgiveness. There was a sense of acknowledging the past but knowing I am making a difference by sharing my story not only for myself but to others. The day was filled with gratitude for the love I felt by so many who took the time to send me a little piece of their heart. The day was filled with self-care and a sense of purpose.
I share this today not to get likes or comments, but to continue to tell my story in the hopes it touches someone who may be going through their own struggles. Your journey of loss or healing may be starting or you’re still in the midst of it...what I have learned is your story can change someone’s life as they will not feel alone.
It is hard to be vulnerable with our feelings but if you can heal yourself and save someone else, then that was the purpose of the heartache.
Am I healed? I have peace in my heart ... that is the only answer I can give today💕